Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Crazy, Crappy, Unofficial Croods Merch...pt. 1

You know a film is tracking well when the bootleggers start manufacturing knock-off merchandise. If the Dollar Stores of the world think enough of a movie to sell unlicensed action figures, you'd better believe it's got some buzz. I'll put the pathetic looking plush toys in an arcade Claw Machine up against any algorithm Rotten Tomatoes has come up with. Cuz when the off-model 'imports' begin to appear, you KNOW a film has captured the public's imagination.

Shown below is the first wave of unofficial Croods crap to pop up online. None of it is all that offensive, but just you wait. Far more heinous and hilarious products are sure to follow.

Vanity Plates
Are movie-themed vanity plates the new celebrity domain names, a get-rich quick scheme for misguided internet 'entrepreneurs'? I dunno. But this guy's selling the rights to an authentic Australian license plate that reads 'CROODS.' The product description claims that it's "great...for your over protective but well meaning Dad." The price is "negotiable."

8-Bit Online Games
There's an official Croods video game coming out in March. But for those of you who simply cannot bear the wait, there's My Games 4 Girls' The Croods. While the game itself has literally NOTHING to do with The Croods, I'm giving it a partial pass for two reasons. (1.) It's free. (2.) It's certainly not sexist. Seriously, how many game companies market a game "4 girls" where the lead player looks like Jerry Garcia and there's a dinosaur with a bloody human torso hanging out of its mouth? Answer: Not many.

Print-On-Demand Party Products
This online seller is a one-stop party store for bootleg Croods goods. While I've chosen a photo of the wholly inexplicable 'Personalized Croods Water Bottle Labels' ("They ARE water resistant"), I could just as easily have shown you shots of their 'Personalized Croods Candy Bar Wrappers' ("candy...not included"), the set of twelve 'Croods Zipper Pulls' ("fun for kids") or the surprisingly decent looking 'Personalized Croods T-Shirts.' And that ain't even HALF of what they're offering.

Mind-Numbing, Minutia-Mining Fan Sites 
Last and most definitely least is The Unofficial Croods Blog and Tumblr. It's done by this guy with ZERO Hollywood connections, insider info, writing talent or drawing skills. Still, that doesn't stop him from constantly posting his cringe-worthy comics, embarrassing editorials and negligible news bits. See that creepy and inedible-looking pizza pictured above? Yep, that's his handiwork. It's like, didn't this guy's parents' give him enough attention as a child? Why are WE being forced to make up for a lifetime of lost hugs? Doesn't he have someone close to him who can quietly take him aside and tell him--

Oh, wait.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, no.



  1. add cooking to your talent list cuz that is one fabolous pizza!

    1. If you like mushrooms and yellow peppers, it was a dream come true. If you're even mildly allergic to 'em -- insta-death!

  2. Sir, if you continue to refer to your awesome comics as "cringe-worthy" I shall have no choice but to come over there and glare at you reproachfully. You'll spot me right away. I'll be the one who looks like Richard O'Brien except without the sex appeal, glaring at you reproachfully.

    Then I'll have some pizza. Raghda is absolutely right, it looks great.

    1. Coming March 23, 2013 (the day after 'The Croods' is released):


      Created by me!
      Owned by me!
      Run by me!
      Read exclusively by me!
      With 100% of its pizza portraits submitted by me!

      And to think, I have ALL OF YOU to thank for it.

      Oh, no. Wait a minute. I have plans on March 23. Another time, then?

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